there's something wrong with me right now. i think im having a relapse of that illness i had 8 years ago. can't pretend that im not scared as shit. i can't tell mum cause i know this will only lead to nagging, a long litany of how i afgduytear am. end point of this will always be "THAT'S KARMA, BITCH". i can't see myself being sick again. i must not be! i want to finish nursing school in time, become a registered nurse next year (hopefully). i have dreams.....im scared. :l

if worse comes to worst and i end up being that horribly sick again, there are a few things i certainly DO NOT WANT to happen. 
NEVER insert a catheter in my bladder. please, i've had enough experiences of inserting catheters to my patients and i dont want that to happen to me. give me boxes of diuretics, i'll be fine. GIVE ME A HIGH DOSE OF ANESTHESIA when you take out csf from the sub arachnoid space of my spine!!!! the 2nd time i underwent that procedure, i swear i could just die from the pain. still doubting if the doctor even gave me anesthesia while the procedure was going on. endotracheal tubes aren't on the options either.  i know im on the high risk of having this situation of having the collapse of the airways or sthng. JUST DON'T do it. :( LAST. if time might come and the electrocardiogram gives you a flat line, please DON'T resuscitate me. if God gives me this, i will sign the DNR myself form on the day i enter the hospital. no second thoughts needed.
if i die, let kibum know @welovekibum existed. and that on my funeral day, he must come and drink tanduay on my grave. he must not grieve over my lifeless body but grieve because he lost his chance to drink with me when i was still alive. hahahahha I AM JUST SCARED THATS WHY IM DOING THIS.
xo, readysetdrool.

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